Well, I am 10 days out from my surgery. I have to say they have flown by. I guess it is a good thing, but it is weird to lose a whole week to a recliner. My pain is to a bearable level, and I can stand up and walk around all by myself. It really is crazy having to ask for help for everything. It is the little tasks that I took for granted that have been the hardest , for example...using a q-tip, putting my afro in a ponytail, washing said afro, pulling my pants up, ect. Anything that requires lifting, bending, reaching, is off limits.
Another thing that is off limits???My shower. I cannot soak in the tub, rinse in the shower, take a quick dip, unwind, splish splash..nothing. Its just me, my trusty assistant Christian, and a wash rag. I think this is a mean thing to do to someone who is confined to a recliner with herself. Christian and I fashioned a shower poncho out of a 30 gallon trash bag so that he could wash my hair. Maguyver(sp) ain't got nothing on Frazier. I am here to tell ya.
I think I have handled the body image part as well as I can. It was hard to look at myself the first time. I was afraid to take off the ace bandage at first. It was like a security thing. The scars are about 6 inches each and run horizontal across the area. There are still steri-strips on the incisions, so I can't see the actual scars until those come off. There is no nerve sensation in my armpits, or on my chest. I feel immense pressure from the inside where the tissue expanders were placed under the muscle, so the majority of my discomfort is muscle spasm type pain in the front of my chest. Each day it gets better, and each day, I am more comfortable in my new skin. I still have 4 drains in place on each side, under my arms to reduce swelling and fluid from collecting under the skin. These drains are my arch nemeses and must be destroyed. They each have a collection bulb at the end that resembles a grenade. I was supplied a little vest to hold my drains which comes in handy, but gives me a shape as if I am wearing a utility belt under my PJs. Not cute. Once the drains are removed (hopefully 12-26), I will be able to shower, reach over my head and wear jeans. Such a strange Christmas wish list...
I know my body will never be the same, and I know my life has been forever changed. Over the past month, so many beautiful strong women have opened up to me about their journey with breast cancer. They share their stories, and hope and always a tear. There are so many of them. We are everywhere..all colors and ages..It is crazy. Although I didn't choose this path for myself, I am honored to be in the company of so many brave girls. I hope when I am healed and cancer free, I am brave enough to help someone else..There is a Jeremy Camp song that states.."we will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony". That is so true.
My family and I are so thankful and humbled by all of the flowers, cards, gifts, sweets and fruit we have received. Please slow down and enjoy this holiday time with your families. Remember Jesus. Hug your loved ones tight and long...
Be nice to people you come across, you never know what's under their scarf.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
one
I think I have handled this thing well until now. I have tried to think things through, weigh options, pray and process one thing at a time, but right now, I am a hot mess. One more day.
Let me start by saying how moved I am by all the cards, emails, flowers, pajamas, cookies, texts, posts, likes and prayers I have received. I am so blessed.
Breast cancer is a scary thing. There is nothing like hearing someone say "You have Cancer." There is nothing like saying out loud.."I have cancer." Something about that 'C' word...I would be lying if I said that I have not given much thought to my own mortality. I have one daughter I want to marry off, I want to see Owen graduate from college. I want to be old and gray and live on a beach somewhere with my man..I have too much to do. I still have to see the redwood trees...I want to go to New Orleans and take pictures... I haven't learned to play the guitar... Most importantly, I have some apologies to give out.
I know I am going to make it through. I know I might still have to have chemo or radiation, and I know I have a >90% chance at surviving the 'C' word, but I only have 1 ONE chance at this life. I want God to be pleased. I want to always think before I speak. I want to apologize when I am wrong, and I want to make people laugh and make my parents proud... I will learn to play the guitar, so I can sing "Me and Bobby McGee". I hope none of my family or friends have to go through something like this, but my new perspective is a blessing.
I report to UH tomorrow at 7:30. My surgery is around 11. Please pray for us as we start this leg of our journey. Please pray for my children and Christian, they are scared. Please pray for my nurses, as I am a difficult patient. My parents and Jake too.
Let me start by saying how moved I am by all the cards, emails, flowers, pajamas, cookies, texts, posts, likes and prayers I have received. I am so blessed.
Breast cancer is a scary thing. There is nothing like hearing someone say "You have Cancer." There is nothing like saying out loud.."I have cancer." Something about that 'C' word...I would be lying if I said that I have not given much thought to my own mortality. I have one daughter I want to marry off, I want to see Owen graduate from college. I want to be old and gray and live on a beach somewhere with my man..I have too much to do. I still have to see the redwood trees...I want to go to New Orleans and take pictures... I haven't learned to play the guitar... Most importantly, I have some apologies to give out.
I know I am going to make it through. I know I might still have to have chemo or radiation, and I know I have a >90% chance at surviving the 'C' word, but I only have 1 ONE chance at this life. I want God to be pleased. I want to always think before I speak. I want to apologize when I am wrong, and I want to make people laugh and make my parents proud... I will learn to play the guitar, so I can sing "Me and Bobby McGee". I hope none of my family or friends have to go through something like this, but my new perspective is a blessing.
I report to UH tomorrow at 7:30. My surgery is around 11. Please pray for us as we start this leg of our journey. Please pray for my children and Christian, they are scared. Please pray for my nurses, as I am a difficult patient. My parents and Jake too.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Saturday December 1
I cannot believe this is the first day of December.
I cannot believe it has only been 16 days since I received my news.
I cannot believe I am 35.
I cannot believe I am 2.5 years away from 20 year reunion.
I cannot believe I have only 24 days to get this Christmas thing together.
I cannot believe I only have 11 more days with my body as I know it.
We met with the plastic surgeon last Wednesday. He was very nice, and his business is booming. Not an empty seat in the waiting room. I looked around at the other patients and tried to guess which procedure they were interested in. Tummy tuck over there....Ooh brow lift, please...Augmentation, Lipo, Rhinoplasty?? It took my mind off the fact that I was there to discuss the best way to remove my breasts.
I haven't always been a fan of my breasts. I hated them in 6th grade, when I was the first in my age group to wear the dreaded under wire (pre-victoria's secret). I was a little frightened when I woke up 3 days after Owen was born to find they had tripled in size. But other than that, they have been good for me. They discreetly hide the belly underneath, they fed two babies, they keep me from having a pear shape. They look good in sweaters, especially. So right now, I am mourning.
After much prayerful consideration, 514 questions to the surgeon, google images, and Christian's blessing, I have decided on the double mastectomy. I am not a carrier of the BRAC gene, but I know that the right side would be a source of continuous anxiety if it were to hang around...not hang...enthusiastically perch.
My surgery will be December 12, 2012..12-12-12. The plastic surgeon will begin reconstruction at that time using tissue expanders that will be inflated over time to make room for implants. My hospital stay will be 2-4 days. I will return home for the remainder of the recovery.
Owen is convinced that if my breasts are removed that I will then become a man. Ellyott is quick to point out that I clearly cannot be a man, because I have long hair. Funny, brave kids. Although I come locked and loaded with many Dolly Parton jokes, this is super scary. Please keep praying for all of us.
Insert plug here
The weekend of my biopsy, mom and I went to a craft show downtown. A man selling iron art sculptures had pink ribbons made of horseshoes. I pointed to it and told mom I needed one. He heard me and told me the story of his wife who was 5 years Cancer free. He then gave me the pink ribbon. We were so touched by this man's kind words during our storm, that we walked around the corner and cried amongst the hairbows and Christmas ornaments. When I learned My results were positive, I emailed the man to thank him for his encouraging testimony. His wife emailed me this week. I am so humbled and touched by the women that I have come in contact with that have a story to share.
Anyway visit www.masonsforge.com
I cannot believe it has only been 16 days since I received my news.
I cannot believe I am 35.
I cannot believe I am 2.5 years away from 20 year reunion.
I cannot believe I have only 24 days to get this Christmas thing together.
I cannot believe I only have 11 more days with my body as I know it.
We met with the plastic surgeon last Wednesday. He was very nice, and his business is booming. Not an empty seat in the waiting room. I looked around at the other patients and tried to guess which procedure they were interested in. Tummy tuck over there....Ooh brow lift, please...Augmentation, Lipo, Rhinoplasty?? It took my mind off the fact that I was there to discuss the best way to remove my breasts.
I haven't always been a fan of my breasts. I hated them in 6th grade, when I was the first in my age group to wear the dreaded under wire (pre-victoria's secret). I was a little frightened when I woke up 3 days after Owen was born to find they had tripled in size. But other than that, they have been good for me. They discreetly hide the belly underneath, they fed two babies, they keep me from having a pear shape. They look good in sweaters, especially. So right now, I am mourning.
After much prayerful consideration, 514 questions to the surgeon, google images, and Christian's blessing, I have decided on the double mastectomy. I am not a carrier of the BRAC gene, but I know that the right side would be a source of continuous anxiety if it were to hang around...not hang...enthusiastically perch.
My surgery will be December 12, 2012..12-12-12. The plastic surgeon will begin reconstruction at that time using tissue expanders that will be inflated over time to make room for implants. My hospital stay will be 2-4 days. I will return home for the remainder of the recovery.
Owen is convinced that if my breasts are removed that I will then become a man. Ellyott is quick to point out that I clearly cannot be a man, because I have long hair. Funny, brave kids. Although I come locked and loaded with many Dolly Parton jokes, this is super scary. Please keep praying for all of us.
Insert plug here
The weekend of my biopsy, mom and I went to a craft show downtown. A man selling iron art sculptures had pink ribbons made of horseshoes. I pointed to it and told mom I needed one. He heard me and told me the story of his wife who was 5 years Cancer free. He then gave me the pink ribbon. We were so touched by this man's kind words during our storm, that we walked around the corner and cried amongst the hairbows and Christmas ornaments. When I learned My results were positive, I emailed the man to thank him for his encouraging testimony. His wife emailed me this week. I am so humbled and touched by the women that I have come in contact with that have a story to share.
Anyway visit www.masonsforge.com
Thursday, November 22, 2012
turkey day
This week has been rather normal, which is my new favorite. When I can go any period of time without thinking about my annoying tenant, I am grateful. I meet with the plastic surgeon next Wednesday. My oncologist says that he has done 9 out of 10 boobs in this town. I guess that's a good thing. I am very interested to hear all the details of breast reconstruction. I hear there is an option where they use belly fat and muscles to rebuild. Can I get an AMEN?? How about inner thigh fat?
Seriously, though. I have had all week to process this whole thing, and although I have my moments of complete anxiety, I think I am ok. I know I am going to be ok, and this is why...
Last week I started a new job. I love the new place and the employees there have been very sensitive and understanding about my new diagnosis. The downside is that I have only been at the job for a week, so I have not had anytime to build up short term disability. Although I am insured, I will be facing at least 6 weeks out of work to recover from my operation. This has been a great source of anxiety for all of us. Six weeks unpaid would cripple any family in this economy. A friend of mine sent me a text on Monday that said she was praying about the job, insurance situation, "miraculous provision", she called it. On Tuesday, I was given a chance to return to the position that I have recently left, with my benefits intact, including almost exactly 6 weeks of short term disability. As sad as I am to leave my new workplace, I cannot deny God's presence.
In case you were wondering, my God is still in the miracle business.
With this new development, I can concentrate on my kids and Christian, and being grateful. Please continue to pray for us as we meet with the surgeon, and make the final decisions. I hope each of you enjoy your family today. Today, I am thanking God for this week's miracle.
Seriously, though. I have had all week to process this whole thing, and although I have my moments of complete anxiety, I think I am ok. I know I am going to be ok, and this is why...
Last week I started a new job. I love the new place and the employees there have been very sensitive and understanding about my new diagnosis. The downside is that I have only been at the job for a week, so I have not had anytime to build up short term disability. Although I am insured, I will be facing at least 6 weeks out of work to recover from my operation. This has been a great source of anxiety for all of us. Six weeks unpaid would cripple any family in this economy. A friend of mine sent me a text on Monday that said she was praying about the job, insurance situation, "miraculous provision", she called it. On Tuesday, I was given a chance to return to the position that I have recently left, with my benefits intact, including almost exactly 6 weeks of short term disability. As sad as I am to leave my new workplace, I cannot deny God's presence.
In case you were wondering, my God is still in the miracle business.
With this new development, I can concentrate on my kids and Christian, and being grateful. Please continue to pray for us as we meet with the surgeon, and make the final decisions. I hope each of you enjoy your family today. Today, I am thanking God for this week's miracle.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Sunday Schooled
I started my morning like I wish I could start every morning, with all four of us gathered for breakfast at the same time. I love family meals more than anything on the planet, by the way. For just a few minutes I was normal again. I didn't think about my cancer at all...for just a few minutes.
Ride to church..normal,
traffic..normal,
church clothes..normal,
weather..normal.
Got to speak to a dear friend in Sunday school who is a 17 year survivor. She had so many things to share. I try to take it all in, because I am smart enough to know that I need her story and her help. The thing that she said that stuck with me the most is to tell people how I am feeling, even if it is bad. People want and need to help. I know this will be my hardest challenge, because I need to be in control. So when I don't answer the question, what can we do to help, Go ask Christian.
I asked Christian today how he felt, and he responded with, "I think we've been through worse". I wanted to say.."Oh really????" But I know he is right. In AA they say 1 out of 10 get and stay clean and sober, And my doc says I have a 90% chance of being cancer free in 10 years, so maybe I have been through worse.
In the spirit of our message at church, and what should be my everyday thought process, I am thankful. Thankful for family meals, Sunday school, ladies that share their survival stories with me, 4 years 6 months 12days of sobriety, the moments when I feel normal, and sherbert punch.
Ride to church..normal,
traffic..normal,
church clothes..normal,
weather..normal.
Got to speak to a dear friend in Sunday school who is a 17 year survivor. She had so many things to share. I try to take it all in, because I am smart enough to know that I need her story and her help. The thing that she said that stuck with me the most is to tell people how I am feeling, even if it is bad. People want and need to help. I know this will be my hardest challenge, because I need to be in control. So when I don't answer the question, what can we do to help, Go ask Christian.
I asked Christian today how he felt, and he responded with, "I think we've been through worse". I wanted to say.."Oh really????" But I know he is right. In AA they say 1 out of 10 get and stay clean and sober, And my doc says I have a 90% chance of being cancer free in 10 years, so maybe I have been through worse.
In the spirit of our message at church, and what should be my everyday thought process, I am thankful. Thankful for family meals, Sunday school, ladies that share their survival stories with me, 4 years 6 months 12days of sobriety, the moments when I feel normal, and sherbert punch.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
November 17, 2012
Today I feel a little better. With the MRI and genetic tests complete, I can relax a bit until I meet next week with the plastic surgeon to discuss my surgical and reconstructive options. Although it is all overwhelming, the scariest part is the financial part...4-6 weeks out of work is SCARY!!
Lets talk about MRI for a minute. I told Christian last night that the only thing that would have made it any worse ..would have been clowns. Small space, loud noise, cold air....clowns.
I am so touched by all the emails, calls, texts I have received. I love you all so much..it is the prayers and the love that has gotten me out of bed the last 2 days.. so thanks.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. --Psalms 73:26
Lets talk about MRI for a minute. I told Christian last night that the only thing that would have made it any worse ..would have been clowns. Small space, loud noise, cold air....clowns.
I am so touched by all the emails, calls, texts I have received. I love you all so much..it is the prayers and the love that has gotten me out of bed the last 2 days.. so thanks.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. --Psalms 73:26
Friday, November 16, 2012
It's funny how we group our memories around major events in our lives. For example, "before Lance died" or "after Owen was born" or "before I got sober"..
Now it will be, "before my Breast Cancer".
Today is Friday November 16, 2012. The first day after my diagnosis, and I am super scared. I feel like the victim of a home invasion..drawers thrown on the floor, broken glass, missing valuables..completely violated. My safe place does not feel safe anymore. That is the best way to describe my thoughts at this time. We are still trying to wrap our little brains around the news. I find that I cannot concentrate or stay focused. Christian is super strong and brave.
I know Sherbert punch is a silly name for a blog, so let me explain. This morning while feeling sorry for myself, I started listing off the great things about my life (counting my blessings). Jesus, Family, friends, job, house, car, sense of humor, and sherbert punch. It is really hard to enjoy a good pity party when there are so many things to be thankful for.
I appreciate all the people God has placed around me that are praying and crying with me. I am so very grateful.
Today I go for an MRI and genetic testing. I get to meet with the Breast Cancer navigator. I am compiling information and advice so that I can make some tough surgical decisions.
Please keep me in your prayers and hug your people tight.
Now it will be, "before my Breast Cancer".
Today is Friday November 16, 2012. The first day after my diagnosis, and I am super scared. I feel like the victim of a home invasion..drawers thrown on the floor, broken glass, missing valuables..completely violated. My safe place does not feel safe anymore. That is the best way to describe my thoughts at this time. We are still trying to wrap our little brains around the news. I find that I cannot concentrate or stay focused. Christian is super strong and brave.
I know Sherbert punch is a silly name for a blog, so let me explain. This morning while feeling sorry for myself, I started listing off the great things about my life (counting my blessings). Jesus, Family, friends, job, house, car, sense of humor, and sherbert punch. It is really hard to enjoy a good pity party when there are so many things to be thankful for.
I appreciate all the people God has placed around me that are praying and crying with me. I am so very grateful.
Today I go for an MRI and genetic testing. I get to meet with the Breast Cancer navigator. I am compiling information and advice so that I can make some tough surgical decisions.
Please keep me in your prayers and hug your people tight.
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