OLD CHAPTERS AND NEW ONES

My mom always says that the older one gets, the faster the time goes by. I always thought this was one of those weird things that parents say, but I know it's true. Last Friday marked the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. This is crazy to me, because it feels as if it were yesterday. I guess that day will always feel fresh and raw in my memory, because my life took a dramatic turn that day. I was coasting along, from day to day, thinking I knew what was going on, what this journey was all about. Little did I know. I had no idea. I am forever different in so many ways.

Let me start this post by saying that I am grateful for my family and my friends who have supported me this year. There are so many of you who have held me up when I didn't want to get up, or couldn't get up. I have met so many people that I would not have met without this disease. I have reconnected with people from the past, and plan to carry those connections into the future. I totally believe people are good, because I have seen this first hand. I am so blessed. 

I have to go back quite a few years to set this story up for those who may not know me well. I grew up in a loving home, with parents who did their best to show me the right path to take. I have a brother who has always made me feel super cool. We laughed a lot, we sang a bunch..they spanked, and I pushed the limits. I couldn't take my parent's word for how cruel and hard the world could be. I had to learn those lessons on my own. Some of my poor decisions were made to try to belong, some were made to numb hurt feelings..Some were made just because they felt good, and would make my poor father freak out. I spent half my life learning lessons the hard way, and although I have been able to turn myself around in the past few years by remaining sober, reconnecting with God, thinking about my actions and their effect on others and by being a mom to my precious babies, on the inside I was struggling to put the past away.

I thought I had finally found happiness. I had the nursing degree, the perfect kids, the husband, the new house...Then I had breast cancer. 
This illness has been crazy. The physical demands of surgery and chemo, the fear of leaving kids with no mother..The crying, the fighting, the recovery, the love, the survivor's guilt, the survivor's pride...After all of that, nothing is how it was. The life-flashing-before-my-eyes experience has changed how I view life, priorities, happiness, and most importantly myself. I have just now figured out that life is too short to hold on to old hurts and guilt. I can let it go. I have been forgiven for my past mistakes, and I don't have to carry it around anymore. 
With all of my flaws, I still have value. I don't have to go through the motions and I don't have to settle for anything less than pure joy.

Please continue to pray for my children as Christian and I close the chapter on our marriage. We are grateful for the years of the love and support that you all have given us. We are still very much a family, and are optimistic about our separate adventures.

It's not the house or the degree that will make me happy. Happiness comes the inside...It comes from my children never doubting that I am proud of them.. It comes from taking the power away from guilt and shame by letting it go.. it comes from sherbert punch...It comes from seeing and experiencing the good in others...It comes from bringing glory to God in times of trouble and sadness...It comes from side-splitting laughter at oneself...It comes from accepting the scars and celebrating them...It comes from letting people in..It comes from taking pride in all we do...Sometimes it comes by saying goodbye to one's old self.