Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Soggy Bottom

It has been a while since I've posted. I always have stuff to share, but honestly, I lack the focus to sit still long enough to write. If I am completely honest, I cannot focus on anything for longer than five minutes. I feel like a 3rd grade boy; Unable to keep my seat, uncomfortable in my skin, anxious and gawky. 

 I am almost three months out from my last chemo treatment. My hair is coming in quickly, I have lost a few pounds, I have more energy, and my blood counts have almost recovered from the 6 months of torture. I was planning to go back to work last week, but my left tissue expander developed a leak. Dr. Lynn had to go in and remove the defective piece and install a new one, so I have spent the last 3 weeks with a flat tire and a drain tube. The drain came out yesterday, so hopefully I can return to my job by September 10. I Pray I can return by September 10. 

This summer has been very difficult for me. Up until this time, I have been able to remain positive. I have been able to hold on to the everyday, little things that bring me joy, to get me through. Just as this summer has been muted with rain and clouds, my mood has also been dark. I just knew that when chemo was a thing of the past, I could return to my normal self, and to my regular life. I now know that that is not going to happen. The feelings of uncertainty, the anxiety in my throat that makes it hard to breathe, the port in my chest that reminds me that the fight is still on, the solitude in crowded places, the inability to complete simple tasks and the restlessness that keeps me on the edge of my seat are debilitating at times. This has been so hard, partly because of the expectations I have for myself. It's been 3 months, Sarah. What is your problem?? Get it together. Stop crying. You are weak..You are losing it!! I have talked these feelings over with other ladies that have been through this, and they say all of these feelings are normal..It makes me feel a bit better.

The last few weeks have been a little better. I have found some easy crafts to focus on, and with the help of Patty Griffin, Amos Lee and Robin Thicke (don't judge), I am making the best of what remains of my indoor summer.  

I know that my God has not brought me this far to abandon me. I know my insecurities are from the enemy. I know that I will eventually get used to the new girl in my head. I won't always look like a stranger in the mirror. I know the fears of  cancer recurrence will subside as time passes. I know I am blessed to be alive. I know I am a strong woman. I appreciate all the shoulders I have cried on, and I am forever grateful for those who have carried me when I couldn't get myself up. 

October (Breast Cancer Awareness Month) is on the way. University Hospital Foundation is holding the annual Miracle Mile walk on October 19. We have a Sherbert Punch Cancer Fight Team, participation is free, or you can donate online. This event helps women in our area. It helped me. You never know when/if you or someone you know will need help. Last year there were close to 10,000 people there. It really is an awesome thing to be a part of. 
We will be wearing our awesome One in Eight shirts, so sign up and hang out with 10,000 of your closest friends.

Also, a few weeks ago, Leukemia claimed the life of a sweet friend of mine, Johnathan Aaron Shaw. September 28 is the Light the Night event at Evans Town Center. If you would like to donate to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, use the PayPal link at the top of the blog and I will pass it on to our team.


This post has been kinda dark, I know. But I challenge myself as well as all of you to reach high and hold on to your blessings, no matter how small, when you find yourself at the soggy bottom. 

1 comment:

  1. You have the Hope for the world. In the midst of scattered thoughts, incomplete words and darkest hours, your Peace is near. The Light of the world shines through you; hope for the hopeless springs forth. You have touched many and will continue to do so. There are blessings to count and share! Thanks for being real, letting the rest of us in on the struggle and reminding us to support others with cancer. I hope our family can join you on the 19th! -Jessica