GrATTITUDE

I keep typing and deleting...typing and deleting... unsure of how to start this post. For the past few weeks, my attitude has sucked. For the life of me, I could not pull myself from the soggy bottom. But over the past few days, I have turned an important corner.

 I know this may come as a big surprise, but I am somewhat of a control freak. I have obsessive tendencies when it comes to certain things. I like the toilet paper to roll from the top, I like only colgate toothpaste, I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday. I make lists. I know you all find this hard to believe, but I assure you it is true. When I first was diagnosed, I decided that I was not going to let this illness steal my joy. I was going to keep a positive attitude. I was going to hold my chin up. I was going to be so brave, and for the most part I have done that. The emotional recovery this summer, however, has kept me on my face. I was in no way prepared for the feelings, and thoughts I have experienced, and it caused me to be disappointed in myself and the way I handled the challenge. I was supposed to be back to normal by now. I should be working, laughing, enjoying the little things. I now see that these expectations I had/have set for myself and my journey are completely ridiculous and it is ok for me to feel scared, uncertain, and shaken up. I have been through a great deal this year, and it might take me some time to process all of these feelings and fears. And that's ok.

I have had several conversations or encounters over the past few weeks that have reassured me that God is in control and his plan is perfect. Once again, He has placed people and events in my path to cause me to slow down and think and thank. I am the world's worst at letting go and relinquishing control, but when He constantly shows up when I call, and even when I don't, it makes it clear to me that I need to and will be able to let it go. These chance encounters, perfect unscripted words, smiles or hugs or messages or songs or rainbows... they are not chance at all. God's ways of saying "I got this!"

I know there are always going to be things in life that I am powerless over, but my control freak tendencies and bad attitude do not have to be some of them. I can have a bad day or feel uncertain and remain grateful, I can extend Grace to others as God has done for me. I can accept people in my path as a perfectly timed collision and find peace knowing that I don't have to be in control of everything...

Dates to remember:
September- All month we are collecting white tshirts, socks, toiletries for the Hale Foundation September 28- Light the Night http://pages.lightthenight.org/ga/Augusta13/JohnathanShaw
October 19- Miracle Mile - themiraclemilewalk.org

"I don't know where the journey will end, but I know where to start." -avicci