Saturday, December 22, 2012

post surgery blues

Well, I am 10 days out from my surgery. I have to say they have flown by. I guess it is a good thing, but it is weird to lose a whole week to a recliner. My pain is to a bearable level, and I can stand up and walk around all by myself. It really is crazy having to ask for help for everything. It is the little tasks that I took for granted that have been the hardest , for example...using a q-tip, putting my afro in a ponytail, washing said afro, pulling my pants up, ect. Anything that requires lifting, bending, reaching, is off limits. 

Another thing that is off limits???My shower. I cannot soak in the tub, rinse in the shower, take a quick dip, unwind, splish splash..nothing. Its just me, my trusty assistant Christian, and a wash rag. I think this is a mean thing to do to someone who is confined to a recliner with herself. Christian and I fashioned a shower poncho out of a 30 gallon trash bag so that he could wash my hair. Maguyver(sp) ain't got nothing on Frazier. I am here to tell ya.

I think I have handled the body image part as well as I can. It was hard to look at myself the first time. I was afraid to take off the ace bandage at first. It was like a security thing. The scars are about 6 inches each and run horizontal across the area. There are still steri-strips on the incisions, so I can't see the actual scars until those come off. There is no nerve sensation in my armpits, or on my chest. I feel immense pressure from the inside where the tissue expanders were placed under the muscle, so the majority of my discomfort is muscle spasm type pain in the front of my chest. Each day it gets better, and each day, I am more comfortable in my new skin. I still have 4 drains in place on each side, under my arms to reduce swelling and fluid from collecting under the skin. These drains are my arch nemeses and must be destroyed. They each have a collection bulb at the end that resembles a grenade. I was supplied a little vest to hold my drains which comes in handy, but gives me a shape as if I am wearing a utility belt under my PJs. Not cute. Once the drains are removed (hopefully 12-26), I will be able to shower, reach over my head and wear jeans. Such a strange Christmas wish list...

I know my body will never be the same, and I know my life has been forever changed. Over the past month, so many beautiful strong women have opened up to me about their journey with breast cancer. They share their stories, and hope and always a tear. There are so many of them. We are everywhere..all colors and ages..It is crazy. Although I didn't choose this path for myself, I am honored to be in the company of so many brave girls. I hope when I am healed and cancer free, I am brave enough to help someone else..There is a Jeremy Camp song that states.."we will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony". That is so true.

My family and I are so thankful and humbled by all of the flowers, cards, gifts, sweets and fruit we have received. Please slow down and enjoy this holiday time with your families. Remember Jesus. Hug your loved ones tight and long...
Be nice to people you come across, you never know what's under their scarf.














Tuesday, December 11, 2012

one

I think I have handled this thing well until now. I have tried to think things through, weigh options, pray and process one thing at a time, but right now, I am a hot mess. One more day. 

Let me start by saying how moved I am by all the cards, emails, flowers, pajamas, cookies, texts, posts, likes and prayers I have received. I am so blessed. 

Breast cancer is a scary thing. There is nothing like hearing someone say "You have Cancer." There is nothing like saying out loud.."I have cancer." Something about that 'C' word...I would be lying if I said that I have not given much thought to my own mortality. I have one daughter I want to marry off, I want to see Owen graduate from college. I want to be old and gray and live on a beach somewhere with my man..I have too much to do. I still have to see the redwood trees...I want to go to New Orleans and take pictures... I haven't learned to play the guitar... Most importantly, I have some apologies to give out. 

I know I am going to make it through. I know I might still have to have chemo or radiation, and I know I have a >90% chance at surviving the 'C' word, but I only have 1 ONE chance at this life. I want God to be pleased. I want to always think before I speak. I want to apologize when I am wrong, and I want to make people laugh and make my parents proud... I will learn to play the guitar, so I can sing "Me and Bobby McGee".  I hope none of my family or friends have to go through something like this, but my new perspective is a blessing. 

I report to UH tomorrow at 7:30. My surgery is around 11. Please pray for us as we start this leg of our journey. Please pray for my children and Christian, they are scared. Please pray for my nurses, as I am a difficult patient. My parents and Jake too. 
 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Saturday December 1

I cannot believe this is the first day of December. 
I cannot believe it has only been 16 days since I received my news. 
I cannot believe I am 35.
I cannot believe I am 2.5 years away from 20 year reunion. 
I cannot believe I have only 24 days to get this Christmas thing together.
I cannot believe I only have 11 more days with my body as I know it.


We met with the plastic surgeon last Wednesday. He was very nice, and his business is booming. Not an empty seat in the waiting room. I looked around at the other patients and tried to guess which procedure they were interested in. Tummy tuck over there....Ooh brow lift, please...Augmentation, Lipo, Rhinoplasty?? It took my mind off the fact that I was there to discuss the best way to remove my breasts. 

I haven't always been a fan of my breasts. I hated them in 6th grade, when I was the first in my age group to wear the dreaded under wire (pre-victoria's secret). I was a little frightened when I woke up 3 days after Owen was born to find they had tripled in size. But other than that, they have been good for me. They discreetly hide the belly underneath, they fed two babies, they keep me from having a pear shape. They look good in sweaters, especially. So right now, I am mourning. 

After much prayerful consideration, 514 questions to the surgeon, google images, and Christian's blessing, I have decided on the double mastectomy. I am not a carrier of the BRAC gene, but I know that the right side would be a source of continuous anxiety if it were to hang around...not hang...enthusiastically perch. 

My surgery will be December 12, 2012..12-12-12. The plastic surgeon will begin reconstruction at that time using tissue expanders that will be inflated over time to make room for implants. My hospital stay will be 2-4 days. I will return home for the remainder of the recovery. 

Owen is convinced that if my breasts are removed that I will then become a man. Ellyott is quick to point out that I clearly cannot be a man, because I have long hair. Funny, brave kids. Although I come locked and loaded with many Dolly Parton jokes, this is super scary. Please keep praying for all of us. 

Insert plug here

The weekend of my biopsy, mom and I went to a craft show downtown. A man selling iron art sculptures had pink ribbons made of horseshoes. I pointed to it and told mom I needed one. He heard me and told me the story of his wife who was 5 years Cancer free. He then gave me the pink ribbon. We were so touched by this man's kind words during our storm, that we walked around the corner and cried amongst the hairbows and Christmas ornaments.  When I learned My results were positive, I emailed the man to thank him for his encouraging testimony. His wife emailed me this week. I am so humbled and touched by the women that I have come in contact with that have a story to share. 
Anyway visit www.masonsforge.com